To say the First Day of the First Test did not go to plan would be an understatement.

At this stage, no one is willing to own up to having had the bright idea that we should travel to the ground by barge on the River Taff. No one knows if it was supposed to instil serenity, confidence or nautical haughtiness into the squad, but it did none of these things either before or after what is now being referred to as The Incident.

We were on two barges, putt-putting up the river, when it would appear that a player in the boat bringing up the rear slipped the ship’s captain a few quid and a pair of tickets to Day 3 on the understanding that he would “speed it up a little” and over take the boat in front, where Sir Captain and Coach2.0 were standing regally on the prow. These guys are all pretty competitive and it tends to spill into all areas of life, even the daily commute.

The Prof and I were sitting at the rear of the second boat, and felt the surge as the throttle was opened up. It wasn’t long before we were just half a boat length behind. Players began exchanging pleasantries, which drew attention to our stealthy approach. Sir Captain slipped his bo’s’n a fiver and soon The Prof and I were choking in a cloud of acrid diesel smoke belching from the straining engine ahead.

We rounded a gentle bend in the river to find ourselves heading at full steam towards a flotilla of cricket lovers in gondolas and red t-shirts, who were being poled across the river towards the jetty as part of a “Willow and Willow” Tour Group experience.

The gondola drivers deftly managed to get out of the way of the boats, but not the prodigious combined wake of the barges. All six of the gondolas were swamped, sending picnic baskets, panama hats and pressure stockings into the water amid screams and shouting. The barges hit the jetty to the sound of cracking timber and some nasty scraping.

When everyone realised the water was only waist deep the panic subsided. The players all got off the boats onto the jetty without getting wet, although Darren (Team psychologist) claimed later that he was pushed into the murky waters by Person Or Person Unknown. [Ed. It was The Freak.]

The fans were all retrieved from the river before being offered dry clothes and counselling by their Tour Guide. A couple of the picnic baskets floated off out of reach.

With that behind us, we were hardly in the mood for the pre-game performance, team announcements and then the toss. The bowlers seemed distracted as they went about their work on a strange two-paced pitch.

England scored some runs, and we didn’t bowl straight enough.

England 7/346