This week on Nate Knows Nothing: I got a haircut and instantly regretted it, there’s a new pope from Chicago (allegedly), and a college student tried to climb Mt. Fuji like it was a treadmill at Planet Fitness. We’re talking robot waiters in Havana, a cruise ship bomb threat that somehow made Florida more Florida, and why no one should ever trust me with scissors or plans.

Plus: I’m live at The Den Theatre in Chicago this Saturday — don’t miss it (and please don’t call in fake threats if you’re running late).